Steppin Up

I had been going to meetings for weeks without participating much. I felt like I'd said too much in my first meeting and I needed to retract a bit and observe so that's what I did. I limited myself to "yeahs" and "uh huhs" and kept the bulk of my conversations to break times when I had the opportunity appease the sports crew by joining in on comments like "Maybe Tiki can be a wide receiver and the Giants can sign Edgerrin James." I wasn't getting the most out of the meetings but it was all I could give them at the time. Then, in my last meeting, something came over me when the group leader opened the forum for anyone to talk about something.

“I am but a humble man” I began as if it where the start of a soliloquy. The group was my audience. The room was black except for the florescent light shining directly down on me. “…taking ordinary steps just like the next. Yet I wonder – why did I get cancer? Not ‘why me’, but why? It’s a question diving deeper in to the core vibration of life. My soul is submersed, seeping in the center of existence hoping to extract an answer. Why?

I’ve grown up wondering what my career was in the eyes of God. Was it a martyr or a missionary? Am I to lead the people of Jersey City across the Hudson to a land of cleaner streets and better bagels? To me, all of the unexpected tragedies in life were part of a perplex puzzle perpetuated by God to prepare me for my ultimate job.” A spotlight popped on in the back and a head appeared shouting ‘I thought you just got a good job – you keep talking about how much you love it.’ I shaded my eyes to see who it was but the light went out.

“No…yes…no…” I started a quick pace across the stage, my hands became more animated as I walked. An alto sax started playing lightly in the background, which made me turn around for a second. Darkness. The sun hadn’t been born yet. I paced. “Yes, I like the job I have. But couldn’t it be a temporary gig until I sign a contract with the Big Man? In the Gospel According to Biff, the angel Raziel comes back down to Earth and needs to get acquainted with modern life. So maybe that’s it – I’m the Apostle Thomas reincarnated and I’m just getting myself reacquainted with 21^st century life before I can start my mission my journey to walk across the country helping others while trying every Cold Stone Creamery along the way in an attempt to find the perfect ice cream and candy combination. I know, too many mushrooms but the point is…”

I stopped with my left hand on my chin looking somewhat perplexed in a Willy Wonka-type fashion. “Ah yes, the point!” I shot my right finger in the air like Dr. Emmett Brown. “Why cancer? I met a good friend in D.C. one night and she said to me ‘you have cancer because God knows you’re strong enough to handle it. In a weird way it’s God telling you that you’re stronger than everyone. He trusts you.’ She’s going to make a great wife, I thought to myself.”

With a sudden flash the fluorescent light was out and I now stood in the dark. One of my senses was completely eliminated. I could hear hearts beating like an orchestra beneath me. Was I speaking now or just thinking? My perception was off. I seemed to have landed myself in Tim Burton’s mind. Either way, I knew the people heard me.

“If cancer doesn’t come back and I go on with my life as it was, have I learned anything?” The vibration of life hummed louder as if I was drawing nearer to asking the right questions. I hadn’t realized the vibration was an alto. “Am I no better of a man should I just pick up a remote and put on Sportscenter pretending like I just drank a can of Cancer-Be-Gone and all was right in the world? Even if I’m not to travel the country healing people and trying every candy/ice cream combination their needs to be a lesson. This is serious dammit! I felt like Dave Chapelle in Half Baked as he smoked a joint trying to talk about getting Kenny out of jail. The vibration laughed.

Man, I can’t see a thing. Where are the friggin lights around here? Suddenly I felt like I was at the bottom of a pool swimming to the top. Sounds were mumbled but getting louder. Images were getting bigger and stronger when *splash* the group leader was in mid-sentence talking about how deep my thoughts were and how I should continue to explore what those lessons are. She used some buzzwords like “healthy” and “normal”. The others nodded with smiles that said ‘Man, you’re a freak’ but in a good way. I had ice cream on the brain. I was thinking about something like vanilla ice cream with Snickers Crunch bites and caramel syrup – oh, and a cherry.