Little treasures hidden deep within my drawers

The announced ending has had a profound effect on my appreciation for Phish's music. First, as if it was even possible, it's made me listen to them even more. Rabidly, as if with their last show, all my CD's would disappear, vanish into thin air and I'd be left with empty CD shelves. Alternating between recent shows from the 1st part of the summer tour, to oldies and classics from 93-94, back to breakout shows in 96-97, etc etc, back and forth in Phishtory, weighing and comparing and appreciating the changes, the styles, the influences, the progression, the boldness and innovation, the evolution of their music. "The more you put in, the more you get out" said Page in Bittersweet Motel. It's true for all of us as well: the more you listen, the more you recognize the subtle shifts and changes, the tiny innovations. You learn to get in their heads and anticipate, you become prepared and "knowledgeable" , your sense of appreciation grows and grows as you comprehend the scope of their music, its power, its potential, the endless possibilities.

But these hours of listening are tainted with nostalgia these days, as the "deadline" approaches. In listening to all these shows or old albums, but also in re-reading press clippings, articles, books that I've already leafed through many times years ago, I cant seem to shake this lump in my stomach. Almost every tune I listen to sends me back to a specific moment, somewhere on a lawn or in an arena; a rush of adrenaline fills my heart as I catch a quick glimpse of what it was like at that time, to feel the bass shaking my ribcage, or the lights blinding me with ecstasy, or a drumbeat kicking in a powerful groove. The memories are vague and hazy, but are multiplying and multiplying. Little instances hidden deep inside my head, swimming upwards to the surface, briefly re-emerging after years of oblivion: faces, notes, feelings, emotions, shivers, jokes and smiles. Everything seems fresher. Even familiar, it remains as powerful as ever: so much emotion in such silly noises.

This is what strikes me more than anything. Phish has given me many things over the years and has shaped my life and character in ways I'll still be unraveling in 10 years' time I'm sure. I get to keep the memories, the travels, the adventures, the wonderful people and friends made along the way, that I fully plan on keeping in touch with, with or without this band. The end of Phish in noway means the end of all the fun we've had. We'll just have to become a little more creative, find our own canvas to paint on.

What will disappear though, and what I'll miss most, is this wide spectrum of emotions that are experienced during a show. The intense feelings of elation, and happiness, the states of confusion and loss followed by familiarity and relief: a screeching guitar riff to hold on to, a lifeline in the vast ocean that some jams can become, or a single piano note as a small but essential foothold in the climb to the jam's peak. The anticipation as the light goes down and before every single song, the excitement when hearing teases in the middle of nowhere, or just imagining them and wishing with all your might that the band is on your wavelength (or vice versa) and plunges down that road; the swaying of a slow song, the pounding of a fast song, the dancing and getting DOWN of a funk number... The trust and faith we have in giving the keys to the ride over to those 4 guys on stage, with only one simple instruction:

"Blow our minds".

Where else am I going to find that ? Not in another band. Never at this level. "The more you put in, the more you get out". I doubt I'll ever reach that level of familiarity with a band that'll allow their music to move me in such ways. The live experience is one thing, but the live Phish experience is another altogether.

So this summer, be sure to squeeze every last drop of emotion out of the songs you see. For even those that you dislike might be on their last outing, and in every song there is something to treasure, even if it's just a simple chord sequence, or a word, or a note. Be generous with your smiles and your hugs, your high fives and your woohoo's. Lap it all up as you get hosed, for this is the last time it happens. We have years and years to be critical and negative, let's just appreciate this gift one last time, together.