Friday, September 24, 2004

Previously unbounded

Since my writing has been dormant for a little while, aside from some working drafts, I've found myself going through some old stuff. Tonight I've found myself floating back to some stuff I used to write at work a couple of years back when I used to come in and just start typing whatever was on my mind, non-stop for a good five to ten minutes...I'd usually stop the moment I started contemplating...anyway, most of it is crap in terms of content and style, but I wanted to share one...

I can only be who I am and do what I know. And what I know is that I’m beat down and discouraged. I also know I need to find a way around it. It’s my ever-eternal question of whether or not I am cut-out for everyday corporate life. And I spend too much time stewing over it instead of working towards fixing it. What good is dwelling on something that makes you so overtly discouraged? Why not taken a situation and turn it around. I sometimes realize my life is nothing more than a series of cliché’s. Work life that is….maybe home life as well, but I like owning a home. I like building things. I like the satisfaction of coming home and seeing something you’ve built sprawling before as an instant acknowledgment of achievement. You don’t get that in corporate life…and I don’t get it here. I should be doing work, yet I sit and type here, looking for a certain solace to get me through he day…or simply just buying more time away from doing work. Am I truly afraid of work..AM I lazy…I don’t think so…I’ve worked my ass off in the past, but I have to be motivated. Doesn’t everyone? Are you not a better more effective person if you can see the goals and perspective rewards in the end? Even my taste might be off…this Kit-Kat tastes strangely of Halloweens long gone, but I’ll eat the other half. After all, it’s changing my taste, washing away the cheese and cracker and replacing it with sweet. And that may just be it…needing to change the flavor of my work. Needing to nail down what it is I want to do. And I want it to happen tomorrow. Another flaw of mine…impatience, the need and desire to have my life changed tomorrow. And that could happen, perhaps not in a way I want. A bunch of event tied together loosely by a decision made here and there…fate, determining an outlook that is not so much to be determined by myself. A quick sip and I carry on…would life be less rewarding if you didn’t have to muck through the shit to get to the good parts. I can’t see how it would be….enjoying pleasure all the time…you may become jaded and perhaps even bored…but happy, content in the ability to move at your own pace, doing your own thing. I never much thought of a career as truth. I still don’t to an extent. I long for and remember the college days well…life was simple then…will simple then looking back. Which begs even further…six, seven, years from now…will I look back on this as being much simpler? If I do, then I shall be so inclined to assume that things may never be as simple as worrying about learning to throw a wiffle ball?

Are you have it...some nonsensical ramblings from a couple of ye
ars ago...

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Moyers on Secrecy in Gov't

Since I've been trying to help keep the MB politics free. . .

Bill Moyers recently gave a speech at the
Society of Professional Journalists meeting in New York City. I read the whole speech and I am compelled to write about it because it seemed to touch on a lot of issues that seem important to me these days.

I realize that the article is long - I encourage people to print it out if it's easier to read than on the screen.

Moyers really crystalized some of the things that scare me about this administratio
n and issues that I sincerely wish I could talk about with people who are going to vote for Bush without getting in a pissing match. It is not a partisan thing for me, it is borne of genuine concern for the type of leadership Bush offers us and the direction which our country is headed. I appreciate that others might disagree, but I would encourage them to seriously examine their beliefs and make sure that they will not regret supporting Bush. Everyone makes mistakes - it's better to admit them sooner than later. I truly believe that Bush will go down in history as one of the most dangerous, disingenuous presidents to run the United States.

Perhaps the most important point of Moyers' article is secrecy. Americans today seem more willing than ever to sign away their rights to knowledge of governmental procedures and decision making in the name of Homeland Security. This is so dangerous on so many levels and I find it really disturbing that our open society is being closed piece by piece. It allows the government to say one thing and do another; if no one ever finds out what is really going on there will be no way to challenge it. Again, I'd like to state that this is not partisan; I believe either party will inevitably abuse this priveledge. However, Bush and his administration have put these policies in place and are making the government more secretive by the day. I truly believe that it is imperative that we stop this before there's no chance of undoing what's already been done.

A lot of this is being done in the name of: guess what, the T word, Terrorism. Related is an article Moyers refers to in his speech, The Neglected Home Front, by Stephen Flynn in the new issue of Foreign Affairs.

If you're going to read just one part of that article, I highly reccomend searching for the sentence "But never has there been an administration like the one in power today" and reading on from there.

And for those conservatives that abhor large government and excessive spending, Moyers states "Pete Weitzel estimates that the price tag for secrecy today is more than $5 billion annual (I have seen other estimates up to $6.5 billion a year.)"

Moyers really summed it up for me when he says:

This “zeal for secrecy” I am talking about – and I have barely touched the surface – adds up to a victory for the terrorists. When they plunged those hijacked planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon three years ago this morning, they were out to hijack our Gross National Psychology. If they could fill our psyche with fear -- as if the imagination of each one of us were Afghanistan and they were the Taliban -- they could deprive us of the trust and confidence required for a free society to work. They could prevent us from ever again believing in a safe, decent, or just world and from working to bring it about. By pillaging and plundering our peace of mind they could panic us into abandoning those unique freedoms – freedom of speech, freedom of the press – that constitute the ability of democracy to self-correct and turn the ship of state before it hits the iceberg.

I believe it is important to view any government, whether you voted for them or not, with a critical eye; it is our duty as citizens to keep our government in check. We the people are the other part of our checks and balances system, and in order to excercise our duty we must be informed. The current government is eroding our ability to perform this duty and in doing so is making a grab for power in the executive branch that serves only their own ends.

peace,
jimi

Saturday, September 04, 2004

The Way I Love It

It happened so long ago I can barely remember. I must have learned about red and blue separately first. 'Cause they're all primary and shit. But when they come together, it's beautiful.

Like I said, it started early. They tried to steer me away from it. I had a lot of red sweaters. Don't get me wrong - I like red, but it's just not purple enough for me.

Lavender. Plum. Orchid. Violet. Grape. Hmmmmm. So loving, so full of life.

When I was three and Maura was born, my mom decided to redecorate our rooms. My nana owned a home furnishings store in town called the Nettle Creek shop. The store wasn't doing so well, so mom decided to help out by buying wallpaper and bedding and stuff. But they didn't have any purple. It was this maroon sort of cranberry. I asked if it could be any more purple but it couldn't. Maybe they were pissed, because I can still feel the guilt from that request. The wallpaper stayed really dark but after a few years, the patchwork blanket faded from the sun and turned purple for a while. Now it's just a dusty rose. Parts of it are faded almost white... I still have it.

I can remember them talking about me in the store. I must have been five because mom was pregnant with Colleen. They were all talking about me and purple. Was it always going to be this way? I was so bored and I was playing with a thing that I later found out was a toothbrush holder, like a green marbled pattern. There was a soap dish that matched it and a whole bunch of other ugly things, too. I didn't know why anyone needed all those things anyway and nobody ever bought them. Mom said not to tell nana she said so but that they were way overpriced.

She said that's why they had to close the Nettle Creek shop. Funny I could have sworn it was because there was no purple in sight, and when I became a grown-up there was no WAY I would spend so much money on stuff that wasn't purple. I was nine and I got to help with the liquidation sale. I was so mad at everyone, the other kids' moms, my parents' friends. How could they come in here and buy all these towels for 90% off when they knew if they had spent the full price my nana could have kept her store.

Stupid consumerism. The way I love purple hurts me sometimes, you know, as a consumer. It's just the feeling I get when I see it. It doesn't feel like greed, but there is some deep attraction, I have to walk over to it. It pulls me.

It got pretty bad today. Brigid and I were in Marshall Field's in the part where there are lots of shoes and handbags. Purple was representing everywhere. I said, "this one matches my skirt." It was a leather handle on a woolen type pouch. She said, "Brown, there is such a thing as too much purple." She said since I only wear purple and black that it might be good to wear another color with it, like silver, or white, or pink. The bag she was holding up was white leather with a giantic silver buckle. Gross.

I don't care what anyone thinks, it makes me happy to love something the way I love purple. It's always passionate and special. To me at least.

I didn't buy anything today. I don't buy stuff any more because I have too much stuff already. I put a dress on hold though... for the wedding. It's silk and shiny and the color of wine. Purple wine.

<(:D

Friday, September 03, 2004

gassho

Truth is One - the wise call it by many names.

Buddhism came my way sometime in the last 3 years of my life. Once is arrived a lot of things started making sense to me - all those 'sutras' my father had on his bookshelf, the buddhas around my house, the large collection of back issues of the Buddhist quarterly magazine Tricycle. There were things pointing me towards the teachings of the Buddha all my life but I hadn't noticed them until I was 18 years old.

When I started reading the teachings of the Buddha it was revelatory not because it transformed my views and thoughts but because it was like looking into a still pond and seeing my own reflection. I read and found that a lot of thoughts and feelings I'd had in my life had been discussed and refined by this amazing human being, and that his teachings contained a subtlety that immediately captured my respect and interest.

The Buddha's teachings have become such a part of me since then that I have a hard time participating in any kind of critical discussion of Buddhism. I don't really bring it up with people because I don't want others to view me through the lens of 'jimi the buddhist'. Maybe this isn't healthy. I'm not a missionary though and I don't want to convince anyone anything about Buddhism. If someone approachs me with an open mind and heart I will talk for days on end on the subject. I love talking with bhikkhus and people with a more casual interest in Buddhism.

"When pulled together
And bound, there stands
A hut well thatched:
But take it apart,
And we have the wilderness eternal."
-Anonymous

Buddhism is a doctrine and process of self realization. I do not say self realization as in Self with a capital S, in the Atman/Hindu sense, but self as in who You are, not who you should be or even would like to be. Going deep, deep beneath the levels of conditioning and even what we view as our 'nature' as defined by our parents/familial situation and genes, socio-economic position, nationality, etc. Going down to the core of ourselves to see who we really are and what this means for our interactions with other people and our life in general. Buddha-realization is self-realization. I would like to elaborate on the idea of Buddhism as a process.

"It is great joy to realize that the path to freedom that all the buddhas have trodden is ever existent, ever unchanged, and ever open to those who are prepared to enter upon it."
-Precepts of the Gurus

The idea of a doctrine as a process rather than a means to a definite end is one that does not occur in theistic, soteriological, salvation based religions. Buddhism is not an instant gratification religion. Jesus saves, Moses invests, but only Buddha pays dividends. Across lifetimes, across countless aeons. This is not a judgement of theistic religions, but it does speak to what you are looking for in life and religion. Buddhism is not about hope for the future, it is about taking care of the present moment.

My doctrine is to think the thought that is unthinkable, to practice the deed that is non-doing, to speak the speech that is inexpressible, and to be trained in the discipline that is beyond discipline. Those who understand this are near; those who are confused are far. The Way is beyond words and expressions, is bound by nothing earthly. Lose sight of it to an inch, or miss it for a moment and we are away from it forevermore
- Sutra of Forty Two Chapters

I believe truth is a process, an experience rather than an understanding or a conclusion. This is something you might be able to relate to in regards to your experience of music. Moments of transcendence that might be one thing in life you've tasted that you could describe as an experience of truth. It is not a coincidence that the music and mind expansion that occurred in the 1960s also gave rise to Buddhism and Eastern thought in the West.

Buddhism is an experiential religion. You will have a hard time understanding Buddhism unless you are interested in practicing it. No amount of words we write here are going to give you a proper feeling for what Buddhism is all about. As soon as you have reached a conclusion about a truth, you are stuck. You've put truth in a box, written words that are truth, and cut it off from it's most vital nutrient and source, which is our human experience.

A classic Zen example: If someone points at the moon, do not mistake their finger for the moon itself. Similarly, do not mistake words for truth itself. Truth is transcendant, beyond words, but not beyond human experience. You cannot rest in your practice of the Dharma. It is subtle and ever changing depending on the place and people you find yourself surrounded by. As soon as you say "aha, I've got it!", it has slipped through your fingers.

My Buddhist practice is not seperate from my life. It is not when I meditate, when I read Dogen, or contemplate signing up for a Vipassana retreat. I am not a Buddhist and yet I have been a Buddhist rhrough countless lives. Most Buddhas do not even know that they are Buddhas.

If enlightenment is not where you are standing, where will you look?

"Subhuti, what do you think? Has the Tathagata (Buddha) attained the consummation of incomparable enlightenment? Has the Tathagata a teaching to enunciate?

Subhuti answered: As I understand Buddh'as meaning there is no formulation of truth called consummation of incomparable enlightenment. Moreover, the Tathagata has no formulated teaching to enunciate. Wherefore? Because the Tathagata has said that truth is uncontainable and inexpressible. It neither is nor is not.

Thus it is that this unformulated principle is the foundation of the different systems of all the sages."
-The Diamond Sutra, Chapter 7